guyfromtx57
(deleted)
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![]() Posted: Post subject: East Texas Guy here... |
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I don't think anyone who hasn't looked into a future all bottled up by what they can't do in a fog of medications and tweaking pain will ever understand. I've been isolated a long time as a home parent but once upon a time it didn't matter so much because I was always busy. I kept the house, fixed dinner, worked outside, or piddled around in my shop. But now I drag myself through days and days of being awake and then loose a few days asleep. What is today? I rarely know.
Sad thing, isn't it, if we paint a true picture of who we are and then reach out a hand from the muck and say, "I need you" people recall and turn away. Spouses do not understand. I'm just the guy who can't seem to see to a clean house or didn't fix dinner tonight. The words, "I'd like to just talk" bounce off closed ears. Kids love me but are hurt and disappointed 'cause Daddy seems a bit off, isn't very happy sometimes, and keeps saying he can't do stuff and he's sorry. Sorry don't mean crap, does it?
I spent much of my life looking for that "I need you" hand. I spent my life caring. But now it's me dragging the muck, crawling along, hardly even able to raise that hand and it's me so totally and entirely alone. So I talk to trees and bounce around places like this on the 'net or try to watch a boring movie... hard to finish it. Sad country songs and long painful days. Family off living their life and all I have is a cold cup of coffee and a lump in my throat that makes swallowing it hard.
That's me, folks. Nothing very pretty. Not looking for or wanting "love," something highly overrated. Just a hand, just that person that probably does not exist who'll share a place on the porch, talk for hours, get angry with me about just stuff, and laugh at the dog. It's only a dream I dream when the nightmare of reality is not intruding.
I sound like a great pick, right? Ha. I guess not.
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